As the day of my release approaches I contemplate my own conformity to this imprisonment. For, what are my crimes? What have I done to deserve such cruel treatment? I was unaware that being a more then adequate swimmer was such a crime. Perhaps the event coordinators should have posted signs at the beginning of the race with a notation like “Beware the award for winning this race is three quarters of a year in solitary confinement.” Although a bit wordy for a notice, I believe it would have at least given me, as well as the other competitors, some sense of caution.
Regarding my conformity to this penal structure, I have decided that I have one of two choices. I can either remain in my cell until instructed by the parole officer of my freedom or I can defy their organization and break free of these confines on my own terms. Neither of these options are to be considered light-heartedly, for, they could very well set to tone for my entire independence.
On the one hand the meetings between Mom and my parole officer have increased in frequency. Although, I am starting to suspect that the parole office is delaying my release. I’m not entirely sure if he is actively trying to keep me contained or if this delay is due to some form of clerical error. In either case my freedom is being deferred and I simply can not abide by such ineptitude.
On the other hand I can continue to force my way out of my cell. I seem to have found the weakest point in the structure of my confines and I am considering pushing against it until it deteriorates and then finally ruptures. There by releasing me from my fleshy prison. The issue is my actions have not gone unnoticed. I few spectators have made remarks regarding the movement of my prison walls. And although no action has been taken to fortify my structure I am not entirely sure that once free the security will let me go or attempt to cast me back in this penitentiary.
Ah, I had another revelation this past week and in fact it has to do with the security personnel of this prison. I had mentioned in a previous entry of this journal that I was being tormented by a hairy four-legged beast. It was not until recently that I realized that this aggressor was in fact a member of the security staff employed by Mom. At first I was unaware of it’s agenda perhaps folly to it’s clever disguise however as of late I have seen a direct correlation between my efforts to escape and it’s distance from my prison. It’s as if it intends to be on guard for my release. It has even taken to stationing herself outside of my cell while I slumber. I do not trust this beast. She is cunning!
Many preparations are being made for my release, including the establishment of a residence. It would appear that I am to dwell in a sort of experimental dormitory. As I will be the first tenant other then the landlords, it would appear that I am to test the abode’s potential and limitations. Mom and Dad have taken me to said domicile. And although I am unable to visually inspect it, due to my imprisonment, Mom and Dad have shown more then just subtle excitement at the facilities. I am told it is well furnished and that a master artisan has been employed to paint a mural in my honor. I hope said artist is capable of accepting constructive criticism for I will certainly be adding my own embellishments to the décor over time.
One final topic of discussion before I return to my performance of “99 Bottles of Milk on the Wall”; As I prepare for my release whether subdued by “the man” or on my own accord, there have been remarks of almost a comedic nature regarding the date of my release. Some have even heralded me as a form of soothsayer, claiming that I am knowingly sabotaging my own discharge because of the temperature of the environment outside of these walls. Some claim that I do not wish to be released because of the frigid atmosphere. While others claim that I am biding my time until my release coincidence with weather circumstances that will be least favorable to the parole board.
I say to you again as I have said before Climate control warfare is an ugly business and I for one will not be partaking of such an abomination. However should I be released into a less then adequate temperature, someone “pweese bwing me a blankie”. *Ahem* That is all.
Lillypie
Start at the Beginning
Showing posts with label Daddy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Daddy. Show all posts
Friday, December 10, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
"A Cave of One's Own" (Season 2 Episode 20)
As we get ever so much closer to Spraggle being born, we have found ourselves with too much to do in too little time. Although I have to keep reminding Michelle that MANY other people have had and raised babies with far less then we already have, she constantly seems determined to go out and buy “one more thing” or take care of “one more thing” in the house.
We finally began work on the nursery and although there is still a great deal to do we have to remind ourselves that Spraggle will not be staying in that room for at least a few months after she is born. True it would be nice to have it completed (which it should be) but the Due Date is a very flexible deadline for multiple reasons.
Another little hiccup (LOL I’ll get back to that) in planning for the next few weeks is the holidays. Not knowing when Spraggle will be born has forced us to consider our holiday plans and gift purchasing much earlier then we normally would. For all we know Spraggle could have intentions of being a Christmas baby and that would REALLY throw a kink into the works.
One thing that we are VERY happy to have checked off our list is our photoshoot with Mike. As a shower gift to my wife I scheduled a pregnancy photoshoot with our good friend Mike Ermilio. (http://www.michaeltakespictures.com) Although the shoot had to be pushed back a week, we had A LOT of fun posing for pictures and we CAN’t WAIT to see the finished product.
Anything else?…Oh yeah the hiccups. Spraggle has had the hiccups earlier and if you thought watching a person with those tiny gasps of air was funny try listening to a pregnant woman’s stomach while her child has the hiccups. IT’S HILARIOUS!!! Although the strange movements and creeping bumps of Michelle’s stomach have looked like something out of a deep space horror movie, I’ve actually been have A LOT of fun chasing Spraggle all around Mommy’s internals. (HEHEHE!) Michelle starts going to the doctor’s office once a week now so it’s almost time for Spraggle to burst out like jelly covered bread from a toaster. Ok bad analogy however it’s a humorous mental image.
More updates as we get them.
We finally began work on the nursery and although there is still a great deal to do we have to remind ourselves that Spraggle will not be staying in that room for at least a few months after she is born. True it would be nice to have it completed (which it should be) but the Due Date is a very flexible deadline for multiple reasons.
Another little hiccup (LOL I’ll get back to that) in planning for the next few weeks is the holidays. Not knowing when Spraggle will be born has forced us to consider our holiday plans and gift purchasing much earlier then we normally would. For all we know Spraggle could have intentions of being a Christmas baby and that would REALLY throw a kink into the works.
One thing that we are VERY happy to have checked off our list is our photoshoot with Mike. As a shower gift to my wife I scheduled a pregnancy photoshoot with our good friend Mike Ermilio. (http://www.michaeltakespictures.com) Although the shoot had to be pushed back a week, we had A LOT of fun posing for pictures and we CAN’t WAIT to see the finished product.
Anything else?…Oh yeah the hiccups. Spraggle has had the hiccups earlier and if you thought watching a person with those tiny gasps of air was funny try listening to a pregnant woman’s stomach while her child has the hiccups. IT’S HILARIOUS!!! Although the strange movements and creeping bumps of Michelle’s stomach have looked like something out of a deep space horror movie, I’ve actually been have A LOT of fun chasing Spraggle all around Mommy’s internals. (HEHEHE!) Michelle starts going to the doctor’s office once a week now so it’s almost time for Spraggle to burst out like jelly covered bread from a toaster. Ok bad analogy however it’s a humorous mental image.
More updates as we get them.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
"Gobo's Discovery" (Season 1, Episode 21)
As Spraggle’s arrival quickly approaches a few things a few things have begun to occur to us.
1) We “grown people” unknowingly assume that a baby is smarter in utero then they are after they are born. Consider for a moment that you feel the baby in the woman’s stomach, so you poke it. Soon there after you feel the baby kick, punch, or headbutt the same spot again and you think Sweet the baby is playing games with me.
No consider that that baby has been released from the confines of it’s mother. In front of you sits a newly born infant. You put your hand on her and she moves, so like in the example before you poke her. The baby is not going to poke you back. She is either going to cry or look at you like you are stupid for assuming that she has mental capacity to play paddy cake with you regardless of whether there is a layer of her mothers flesh between the two of you or not.
2) Forty weeks is not nearly as long as you think. When we first found out Michelle was pregnant we couldn’t wait to tell EVERYONE! And at the time the weeks crawled by. We spent most of our time whimsically learning as much as we could and jokingly talking about what we would like to do to the house before Spraggle arrived.
Now as week 30 approaches we think back and go “WHERE DID THE FIRST THREE QUARTERS OF THIS PREGNANCY GO?!?!” With just over 2 months until the due date we’re running around like med students crowning themselves in their textbooks the night before the test, the nursery hasn’t even been started yet, and we’re terrified. With a well laid out plan we’re hoping to get everything done in time but if not…“OOPS!”
3) Building a wedding registry is relatively easy. Step 1: Buy a house or apartment. Step 2: Realize everything you need. Step 3: Put said items on your registry.
In the case of a baby registry it’s not that easy. A baby registry must be made BEFORE the baby is born. So unlike the wedding registry you don’t get time to recognize what it is you need. You’re pretty much going into it blind. Now, sure, the store will give you a “standard” list of items to buy. However they are the retailer. They want you to buy EVERYTHING. Many items you will never need and others you can get away with using things you already own with little to no modifications.
Another option, other then the store-provided list, is to ask other people or find lists online. Of which there are BILLIONS in all shapes, sizes, and opinions. When it comes to registries and product reviews everyone, their grandmothers, and the nutty squirrel in the tree across the street has an opinion. Some product reviews are almost laughable. It is astounding how people can not read the direction on the box when construction a crib or can not comprehend how a jumper could be any fun (Pssst IT’S FOR A BABY! Sort of goes back to point 1) This brings me to my final point
4) We have learned that when it comes to product reviews, pregnancy, babies, and a person’s kids take EVERYTHING they say with not just a grain of salt but the whole shaker. LOL. If all of the anecdotes and hyperboles about pregnancy and child birth were true women would be getting their tubes tied at age 12 and/or no one would ever have more then one kid. We’re more then 3/4s of the way through this pregnancy and it’s REALLY not that bad. Sure it changes things, it can be strange and uncomfortable for the mother at times but all in all it’s actually pretty cool. Now we know that we are coming up on the most difficult stage but so far we can clearly see that people exaggerate their stories, just a BIT!
So in short: We adults are stupid (1), Time Flies (2), No one knows what the need until it’s too late (3), and Take everything with a grain of salt (4). Yeah that about sums it up.
1) We “grown people” unknowingly assume that a baby is smarter in utero then they are after they are born. Consider for a moment that you feel the baby in the woman’s stomach, so you poke it. Soon there after you feel the baby kick, punch, or headbutt the same spot again and you think Sweet the baby is playing games with me.
No consider that that baby has been released from the confines of it’s mother. In front of you sits a newly born infant. You put your hand on her and she moves, so like in the example before you poke her. The baby is not going to poke you back. She is either going to cry or look at you like you are stupid for assuming that she has mental capacity to play paddy cake with you regardless of whether there is a layer of her mothers flesh between the two of you or not.
2) Forty weeks is not nearly as long as you think. When we first found out Michelle was pregnant we couldn’t wait to tell EVERYONE! And at the time the weeks crawled by. We spent most of our time whimsically learning as much as we could and jokingly talking about what we would like to do to the house before Spraggle arrived.
Now as week 30 approaches we think back and go “WHERE DID THE FIRST THREE QUARTERS OF THIS PREGNANCY GO?!?!” With just over 2 months until the due date we’re running around like med students crowning themselves in their textbooks the night before the test, the nursery hasn’t even been started yet, and we’re terrified. With a well laid out plan we’re hoping to get everything done in time but if not…“OOPS!”
3) Building a wedding registry is relatively easy. Step 1: Buy a house or apartment. Step 2: Realize everything you need. Step 3: Put said items on your registry.
In the case of a baby registry it’s not that easy. A baby registry must be made BEFORE the baby is born. So unlike the wedding registry you don’t get time to recognize what it is you need. You’re pretty much going into it blind. Now, sure, the store will give you a “standard” list of items to buy. However they are the retailer. They want you to buy EVERYTHING. Many items you will never need and others you can get away with using things you already own with little to no modifications.
Another option, other then the store-provided list, is to ask other people or find lists online. Of which there are BILLIONS in all shapes, sizes, and opinions. When it comes to registries and product reviews everyone, their grandmothers, and the nutty squirrel in the tree across the street has an opinion. Some product reviews are almost laughable. It is astounding how people can not read the direction on the box when construction a crib or can not comprehend how a jumper could be any fun (Pssst IT’S FOR A BABY! Sort of goes back to point 1) This brings me to my final point
4) We have learned that when it comes to product reviews, pregnancy, babies, and a person’s kids take EVERYTHING they say with not just a grain of salt but the whole shaker. LOL. If all of the anecdotes and hyperboles about pregnancy and child birth were true women would be getting their tubes tied at age 12 and/or no one would ever have more then one kid. We’re more then 3/4s of the way through this pregnancy and it’s REALLY not that bad. Sure it changes things, it can be strange and uncomfortable for the mother at times but all in all it’s actually pretty cool. Now we know that we are coming up on the most difficult stage but so far we can clearly see that people exaggerate their stories, just a BIT!
So in short: We adults are stupid (1), Time Flies (2), No one knows what the need until it’s too late (3), and Take everything with a grain of salt (4). Yeah that about sums it up.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
"The Thirty-Minute Work Week" (Season 1 Episode 5)
As we enter the third trimester I realize that I take my life into my own hands every time I crack a pregnancy joke in front of my wife. In an effort to ensure that I am alive to see my baby born I have decided to get a lot of the jokes out of my system all at once. (and while I am a safe distance from Michelle)
(No this is NOT a cop-out and the fact that I obviously copy and pasted these jokes has nothing to do with the stress of starting my new job. Ahhh who am I kidding. Hope you get at least a chuckle.)
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
LOL! A tornado is an air current!
See you next week!
(No this is NOT a cop-out and the fact that I obviously copy and pasted these jokes has nothing to do with the stress of starting my new job. Ahhh who am I kidding. Hope you get at least a chuckle.)
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
LOL! A tornado is an air current!
See you next week!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Spraggle Log (Tales from beyond the Placenta): 6 months in Captivity
It seems strange to me that I have been in this ever shrinking cell for more then half a year. Mom had shown me great care during my incarceration. The only torture I receive is a daily dose of her siren wailing along with pre-recorded “country music”. However I am usually quickly rewarded for my cooperation with chocolate cream layered cookies. These desserts which were once a mere pleasure to Mom have become an obsession.
In other regards my prison has been kept at a pleasurable climate. At times it is even given adequate light from the sun which is of course filtered by the walls of my cell. I dare say that I am becoming increasingly concerned about my mental stability. I have deduced this for two reasons.
1) I have begun to hear voices outside of my cell and although they may be a figment of my imagination I do not believe they are. The mere fact of hearing said voices may cause a fetus, like myself, to question their sanity however it is the crazed nonsense that they speak that concerns me. I can’t tell if the gibberish they discuss is a sign of my mental unsteadiness or theirs.
2) I have become quite comfortable in this prison. Even Mom’s incessant tone deafness has grown to become almost tolerable. Mom and her companion visited another parole officer which ensured them of my release date and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I fear that perhaps I am contracting a case of Stockholm syndrome.
The meetings with these, so called, parole officers have increased in frequency and many discussions of my release have commenced. Even more conversations about the fortitude of my prison have occurred. On at least two occasions a person who could only be considered a prison mason has been appointed to test the structural integrity of the penitentiary walls as well as the drainage system. I have attempted at each juncture to request that he expand my cell but he acted as if he could not hear me.
A surveyor was also hired by Mom and her companion, who I shall hence forth call “Dad”. I speculated at first that the surveyor was acquired to also consult on the prison structure however she seemed more interested in taking pictures of me then of my cell. At first I was self conscious of such images, as I did not want them to be attached to the so called “Inter-Web”, however after some prodding (literally) by Mom and the surveyor I decided to shed my puritanical views show them everything I have to offer.
Upon my doing so there was some confusion. Apparently I lacked a certain appendage which they expected to see on the images. Although before I could become concerned about my potential deformity there seemed to be great elation among all in attendance. This has caused me to believe that such a growth is some form of infectious cancer. I will be sure to be wary of all who possess said appendage upon my release.
As a final note before I return to my serene floating; It has become apparent, as of late, that there are a few other moving prisons close to Mom, even one case of prisoner transfer after she was released. (Perhaps as part of a witness protection program.) I wish luck to all my fellow innocently incarcerated individuals. Please know that many have successfully gone before us. We are strong and we will one day succeed in escape. Keep of sound mind and spirit and know that you are in my thoughts.
To those who have recently been released I have two words:
“SEND SKITTLES!!!!”
In other regards my prison has been kept at a pleasurable climate. At times it is even given adequate light from the sun which is of course filtered by the walls of my cell. I dare say that I am becoming increasingly concerned about my mental stability. I have deduced this for two reasons.
1) I have begun to hear voices outside of my cell and although they may be a figment of my imagination I do not believe they are. The mere fact of hearing said voices may cause a fetus, like myself, to question their sanity however it is the crazed nonsense that they speak that concerns me. I can’t tell if the gibberish they discuss is a sign of my mental unsteadiness or theirs.
2) I have become quite comfortable in this prison. Even Mom’s incessant tone deafness has grown to become almost tolerable. Mom and her companion visited another parole officer which ensured them of my release date and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I fear that perhaps I am contracting a case of Stockholm syndrome.
The meetings with these, so called, parole officers have increased in frequency and many discussions of my release have commenced. Even more conversations about the fortitude of my prison have occurred. On at least two occasions a person who could only be considered a prison mason has been appointed to test the structural integrity of the penitentiary walls as well as the drainage system. I have attempted at each juncture to request that he expand my cell but he acted as if he could not hear me.
A surveyor was also hired by Mom and her companion, who I shall hence forth call “Dad”. I speculated at first that the surveyor was acquired to also consult on the prison structure however she seemed more interested in taking pictures of me then of my cell. At first I was self conscious of such images, as I did not want them to be attached to the so called “Inter-Web”, however after some prodding (literally) by Mom and the surveyor I decided to shed my puritanical views show them everything I have to offer.
Upon my doing so there was some confusion. Apparently I lacked a certain appendage which they expected to see on the images. Although before I could become concerned about my potential deformity there seemed to be great elation among all in attendance. This has caused me to believe that such a growth is some form of infectious cancer. I will be sure to be wary of all who possess said appendage upon my release.
As a final note before I return to my serene floating; It has become apparent, as of late, that there are a few other moving prisons close to Mom, even one case of prisoner transfer after she was released. (Perhaps as part of a witness protection program.) I wish luck to all my fellow innocently incarcerated individuals. Please know that many have successfully gone before us. We are strong and we will one day succeed in escape. Keep of sound mind and spirit and know that you are in my thoughts.
To those who have recently been released I have two words:
“SEND SKITTLES!!!!”
Thursday, August 19, 2010
"The Lost Treasure of the Fraggles" (Season1 Episode 9)
Almost everyone who has talked to me since this time last year knows that the one thing I have been looking forward to is Rock Hall’s Pirate Weekend. Three days of pirate ships, pirate costumes, pirate songs, and pirate drinks (aka Rum). As a long time fan of preemptive nautical salvage experts there is nothing better in the world.
The weekend was awesome we partied, we danced, we had water fights, we even fired off cannons. However with all of that packed into one weekend it’s almost strange to think that the most memorable moment for me was when I got to feel my baby move. Yes Spraggle Kicked Me!
It was Saturday afternoon. We had just gotten back from a long day at sea and we were relaxing and taking turns getting showers. Michelle and I were chilled out laying down talking and she said “Give Me Your Hand!” with a bit more excitement then I would have expected her to be able to muster up. After strategically placing my hand where Spraggle was she told me to wait. Not knowing what I was waiting for I started to think the salt water and sun had fried her brain (still a possibility) however when I was sure nothing was going to happen, it did. I felt a strong push against my hand.
I was shocked to say the least and yes I let out a gasp. (But quickly covered it up by claiming Michelle just had gas) But really I was thinking “Damn I don’t ever want to be on the receiving end of that front kick. Kid’s got legs like her mother; that’s for sure.” All of a sudden all the other events of the weekend paled in comparison to that moment and my soon to be fatherhood became much more of a reality. I had spent the past year completely stoked for our piratical vacation but none of that mattered now.
Sadly the thoughts of pride and excitement faded when I realized: “That little bitch just KICKED ME! And I can’t even fight back! Just wait until she get’s bigger and I can actually see those feet against Michelle’s stomach, we are going to throw down and have some serious tickle/poking fights!”
From one Proud (Soon-to-be) Poppa
Tony
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