As we enter the third trimester I realize that I take my life into my own hands every time I crack a pregnancy joke in front of my wife. In an effort to ensure that I am alive to see my baby born I have decided to get a lot of the jokes out of my system all at once. (and while I am a safe distance from Michelle)
(No this is NOT a cop-out and the fact that I obviously copy and pasted these jokes has nothing to do with the stress of starting my new job. Ahhh who am I kidding. Hope you get at least a chuckle.)
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
LOL! A tornado is an air current!
See you next week!
Lillypie
Start at the Beginning
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Spraggle Log (Tales from beyond the Placenta): 6 months in Captivity
It seems strange to me that I have been in this ever shrinking cell for more then half a year. Mom had shown me great care during my incarceration. The only torture I receive is a daily dose of her siren wailing along with pre-recorded “country music”. However I am usually quickly rewarded for my cooperation with chocolate cream layered cookies. These desserts which were once a mere pleasure to Mom have become an obsession.
In other regards my prison has been kept at a pleasurable climate. At times it is even given adequate light from the sun which is of course filtered by the walls of my cell. I dare say that I am becoming increasingly concerned about my mental stability. I have deduced this for two reasons.
1) I have begun to hear voices outside of my cell and although they may be a figment of my imagination I do not believe they are. The mere fact of hearing said voices may cause a fetus, like myself, to question their sanity however it is the crazed nonsense that they speak that concerns me. I can’t tell if the gibberish they discuss is a sign of my mental unsteadiness or theirs.
2) I have become quite comfortable in this prison. Even Mom’s incessant tone deafness has grown to become almost tolerable. Mom and her companion visited another parole officer which ensured them of my release date and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I fear that perhaps I am contracting a case of Stockholm syndrome.
The meetings with these, so called, parole officers have increased in frequency and many discussions of my release have commenced. Even more conversations about the fortitude of my prison have occurred. On at least two occasions a person who could only be considered a prison mason has been appointed to test the structural integrity of the penitentiary walls as well as the drainage system. I have attempted at each juncture to request that he expand my cell but he acted as if he could not hear me.
A surveyor was also hired by Mom and her companion, who I shall hence forth call “Dad”. I speculated at first that the surveyor was acquired to also consult on the prison structure however she seemed more interested in taking pictures of me then of my cell. At first I was self conscious of such images, as I did not want them to be attached to the so called “Inter-Web”, however after some prodding (literally) by Mom and the surveyor I decided to shed my puritanical views show them everything I have to offer.
Upon my doing so there was some confusion. Apparently I lacked a certain appendage which they expected to see on the images. Although before I could become concerned about my potential deformity there seemed to be great elation among all in attendance. This has caused me to believe that such a growth is some form of infectious cancer. I will be sure to be wary of all who possess said appendage upon my release.
As a final note before I return to my serene floating; It has become apparent, as of late, that there are a few other moving prisons close to Mom, even one case of prisoner transfer after she was released. (Perhaps as part of a witness protection program.) I wish luck to all my fellow innocently incarcerated individuals. Please know that many have successfully gone before us. We are strong and we will one day succeed in escape. Keep of sound mind and spirit and know that you are in my thoughts.
To those who have recently been released I have two words:
“SEND SKITTLES!!!!”
In other regards my prison has been kept at a pleasurable climate. At times it is even given adequate light from the sun which is of course filtered by the walls of my cell. I dare say that I am becoming increasingly concerned about my mental stability. I have deduced this for two reasons.
1) I have begun to hear voices outside of my cell and although they may be a figment of my imagination I do not believe they are. The mere fact of hearing said voices may cause a fetus, like myself, to question their sanity however it is the crazed nonsense that they speak that concerns me. I can’t tell if the gibberish they discuss is a sign of my mental unsteadiness or theirs.
2) I have become quite comfortable in this prison. Even Mom’s incessant tone deafness has grown to become almost tolerable. Mom and her companion visited another parole officer which ensured them of my release date and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I fear that perhaps I am contracting a case of Stockholm syndrome.
The meetings with these, so called, parole officers have increased in frequency and many discussions of my release have commenced. Even more conversations about the fortitude of my prison have occurred. On at least two occasions a person who could only be considered a prison mason has been appointed to test the structural integrity of the penitentiary walls as well as the drainage system. I have attempted at each juncture to request that he expand my cell but he acted as if he could not hear me.
A surveyor was also hired by Mom and her companion, who I shall hence forth call “Dad”. I speculated at first that the surveyor was acquired to also consult on the prison structure however she seemed more interested in taking pictures of me then of my cell. At first I was self conscious of such images, as I did not want them to be attached to the so called “Inter-Web”, however after some prodding (literally) by Mom and the surveyor I decided to shed my puritanical views show them everything I have to offer.
Upon my doing so there was some confusion. Apparently I lacked a certain appendage which they expected to see on the images. Although before I could become concerned about my potential deformity there seemed to be great elation among all in attendance. This has caused me to believe that such a growth is some form of infectious cancer. I will be sure to be wary of all who possess said appendage upon my release.
As a final note before I return to my serene floating; It has become apparent, as of late, that there are a few other moving prisons close to Mom, even one case of prisoner transfer after she was released. (Perhaps as part of a witness protection program.) I wish luck to all my fellow innocently incarcerated individuals. Please know that many have successfully gone before us. We are strong and we will one day succeed in escape. Keep of sound mind and spirit and know that you are in my thoughts.
To those who have recently been released I have two words:
“SEND SKITTLES!!!!”
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
"Gunge the Great and Glorious" (Season 3 Episode 22)
It almost seems like immediately after we tell people that we are having a baby girl they feel obligated to ask us if we have any names picked out. The funny thing is we’ve been bouncing baby names around for YEARS. I think it all started when Michelle had to do a project in high school that outlined what her life would be like in 10 years. (Strangely enough that year is this year) When she had created the project she had thought that we would have kids by this point in our life. (Something we have no regrets about waiting to do.) In the project she outlined that we would have one boy and one girl whom she had to name per the teacher’s outline. This started the dialogue between us.
Even before the discussion we both knew that if we had a boy we would want to name him after the father (in this case Anthony. Or some other derivative of the name but that’s a different story) For a girl (more appropo to the current situation) we had initially discussed Desiree Tamara. Throughout the years this name slowly changed.
However it wasn’t until we were sitting around watching our favorite, yet canceled, TV Show, Firefly and Michelle blurts out “I like the name Kaylee”. If you’ve never seen this AWESOME show or the movie Serenity, Kaylee is the common name used for Kaywinnit Lee Frye the ships mechanic and all around cheery person (plus the resident red-headed hottie).
I confirmed that I like the name as well but Michelle countered with “Well what would the middle name be?” At this point I realized she was considering the name for one of our future children. I told her that the actress who plays Kaylee is Jewel Staite and I think Kaylee Jewel is a pretty name. From that point on we knew that we would name our first girl, in this case Spraggle, Kaylee Jewel Sprague.
Like before, if you’ve never seen Firefly or Serenity 1) I pity you. 2) I have the DVDs come borrow them. 3) Let me give you some insight into the character Kaylee. On top of being very intelligent, Kaylee is very bubbly and easy going sometimes borderline annoyingly cheerful. All qualities that we can agree Michelle has as well. Take into consideration that Kaylee is a redhead and Michelle DESPERATELY wants a redheaded baby girl and you have the recipe for a perfect namesake. I defy you to watch the series and the movie and not see the similarities between Michelle and Kaylee.
With all that being said we do not want to jinx this pregnancy so until the baby is born we will be calling her Spraggle. Obviously we are not hiding the name in anyway but we, superstitiously, don’t want to bring any misfortune upon Spraggle.
Even before the discussion we both knew that if we had a boy we would want to name him after the father (in this case Anthony. Or some other derivative of the name but that’s a different story) For a girl (more appropo to the current situation) we had initially discussed Desiree Tamara. Throughout the years this name slowly changed.
However it wasn’t until we were sitting around watching our favorite, yet canceled, TV Show, Firefly and Michelle blurts out “I like the name Kaylee”. If you’ve never seen this AWESOME show or the movie Serenity, Kaylee is the common name used for Kaywinnit Lee Frye the ships mechanic and all around cheery person (plus the resident red-headed hottie).
I confirmed that I like the name as well but Michelle countered with “Well what would the middle name be?” At this point I realized she was considering the name for one of our future children. I told her that the actress who plays Kaylee is Jewel Staite and I think Kaylee Jewel is a pretty name. From that point on we knew that we would name our first girl, in this case Spraggle, Kaylee Jewel Sprague.
Like before, if you’ve never seen Firefly or Serenity 1) I pity you. 2) I have the DVDs come borrow them. 3) Let me give you some insight into the character Kaylee. On top of being very intelligent, Kaylee is very bubbly and easy going sometimes borderline annoyingly cheerful. All qualities that we can agree Michelle has as well. Take into consideration that Kaylee is a redhead and Michelle DESPERATELY wants a redheaded baby girl and you have the recipe for a perfect namesake. I defy you to watch the series and the movie and not see the similarities between Michelle and Kaylee.
With all that being said we do not want to jinx this pregnancy so until the baby is born we will be calling her Spraggle. Obviously we are not hiding the name in anyway but we, superstitiously, don’t want to bring any misfortune upon Spraggle.
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